I don’t want to give up on them

Greetings to whomever will read this. Hello! My name is Enisha and I am currently 18 years old. I am not normally the type to actually tell strangers from the internet my circumstances at home, but recently everything just felt so so much that I just felt like bursting. As I'm writing this, I am contemplating every decision that has led me to this moment. I have always loved animals, I used to adore them. So when my little sister brought in a female stray dog I was ecstatic thinking we could give her a better life. We named her "Whitey" because her coat was white even though we weren't 100% sure since she was dirty. We cleaned her up, fed her and even gave her blankets. Before her, we already had "Chuchay". Chuchay is our female border collie who was already 2 years old. At first, everything felt fine, everything is what was expected of what a home would look like, everything felt perfect. But then we noticed Whitey getting bigger and bigger as the days go by. Then she gave birth. She gave birth to 4 puppies then those puppies gave birth to more puppies then more puppies and so on. Chuchay died not long after. I loved her so much I even begged God to take me alongside her but as you can tell, my wish wasn't granted.

I love my dogs but I'm tired. I don't want to keep picking up poops every minute of the day, I'm tired of mopping the living room floor and kitchen floor full of their fluids, I'm tired of getting scolded by our neighbors because they break every little thing, I'm tired of having all the doors and windows shut because they keep wanting to escape, and I'm so tired of crying over them when they die. I'm just so tired that I keep wishing that I wouldn't ever wake up. I'm so tired of everything. I can't give them up to shelters because I'm afraid of them dying but I can't take it anymore. Everything is a mess, our house is dirty and smells of feces and we don't even have the money to build them a cage outside so we can finally clean the house since I'm starting college. This has been going on since the pandemic started and still, we didn't seem to move. Please please help please I don't want to die but everything just makes me want to. I'm sorry mama and papa.